Dad

This is one of those days that I miss him. Sometimes ..I'm so mad at him I'm almost glad that he's gone. that sounds terrible but I'm being honest.

Today ...I was walking past Hallmark and I saw those GIANT valentines day cards..like 3 feet tall. The funny ones that you go.."wtf would I do with that??" Who could you even give that to.......well... I had this sick empty feeling in my gut and I instantly teared up..It took me a second to make the connection.

My dad sent me one of those when I was living in Houston, Tx. I guess I remember it because they couldn't deliver it to our apartment. My mail box was too little. They had it at the front office and I went to pick it up. It just said. "I love you Jenn Jenn. I miss you." Love, Dad.

We had not talked in 6 mons or so.......

So..... I called him.. and when we talked next....I made plans to visit.. so...I went there and that was when I found out he was sick. He picked me up at the airport. He walked right past me.....

He didnt recognize me......

Nor did I him.......

He passed me......I looked right at his face......he looked familiar so I followed his eyes...but I still cant explain it. it was like this other guy..........I dunno.

We hardly said a word.

I just said.. Daddy, are you ok? ( He looked old and like death) The next few days are like this huge blur:

"BTW.......I'm dying.".. "how are you?".."hows your mom and brother?"......."How long are you gonna stay?"

A few days after I got there he gave me 2 boxes, one was HUGE , the other tiny.. he had gotten me this leopard print cowgirl hat ( I KNOW HAHAH), it was nice though.. it was in this beautiful box..my dad was a cowboy..I guess he knew that was the only way I'd wear a cowgirl hat. He also had this beautiful bracelet for me. He said he had bought it for my birthday that year..but was scared to send it by mail ( we weren't speaking) He'd kept it for me.

Well.. needless to say I never left. I spent that next year with him. Then he died that July. Thats like the only 2 things I have from him. That hat has been worn many a drinking night. It's bent and beaten.. The bracelet has hardly left its box..So... I polished it tonight. I think I'll wear it tomorrow. So what if it's not my style. It was perfect wasn't it?

You know... I like to think sometimes.. that maybe he didnt know the right things to do.. that maybe he was lost, cause GAWD I know what that feels like.. but that maybe he watched over me now. That maybe he's taking care of me in ways that he couldnt before.

------- I think now, I understand him. Shit, Im so much like him. How can I be mad at him? I know what its like to be helpless...

SO-

Maybe you hate the things in people,

that you see in yourself.

Maybe you hate people that are just like you

or..maybe you hate someone else..

Maybe you dont want to understand the things ..that make you who you are.

Maybe its YOURSELF that you hate...if you stare at your mirror from afar-

IF it starts to make sense ......and then YOU HAVE TO CHANGE?

MY GOD..child- what will you do??

You dont have sympathy for anyone in this world..anyone ..EXCEPT FOR YOU.

But Maybe......

.. just maybe .....you DO ....carry the sins of your father too..

my dear brother.I hope that you know..that its now only me and you....

jw

I'm reading this book that's really touched my heart. I don't want to go into that right now, so I'll save it for another blog. But one thing she suggests, is writing a letter to your former self. The idea is that when you address yourself in the past you realize how much you really have changed. I thought that sounded kinda cheesy , but then I really thought about it... If I could go back and talk to myself when I was 20 years old...what would I say? What could I possibly say that would have had any bearing on me?

I had a lot of trouble writing it in the form of a letter. I kinda felt like a weirdo. So I just made a list.. Maybe I really wouldn't be so screwed up now if someone had told me these things.. of course, they probably did...*LOL*
................................................................

1.) Tell the truth. TELL THE TRUTH. TELL THE TRUTH. Even when it hurts like hell and its scary. It all comes out in the wash.

2.) Seek out God, or something to believe in. If you have that- hang onto it and nurture it and learn to live in it. It doesn't seem important when you are young sometimes...you think you have time to find that later.. but trust me there will be a huge void in your life. And you will recognize it the faces of the people around you who DO have that and start to realize they are much happier people because of it.

3.) Love your parents. They aren't perfect, but they are about the ONLY people who will love you when you aren't either.

4.) Broken families, bad situations, whatever.. they aren't excuses to live your life recklessly.

5.) GET AN EDUCATION. DO NOT think you aren't smart enough or that you're incapable. You will see when you are older that there are a ton of people with fancy degrees that are compete idiots and screw ups... SO..you better get yours too or YOU will be working for THEM one day.

6.) Respect your elders.

7.) Keep your family close, you will be glad you did.

8.) Love your siblings, don't fight with them. Most of the time they are the only people in the world who are genetically,behaviorally and emotionally built like you.

9.) Don't ever think you have everything figured out. The Gods of change will knock your feet smooth out from under you.

10.) Don't EVER EVER get in a relationship where addiction is involved. EVEN if it's your own. It's doomed from the start.

11.) Take care of your body. Everything you are doing now..in your early 20's will be visible in another 10 years. Drinking , drugs, eating bad foods, lack of exercise..you name it. Trust me!

12.) Don't look for a man to fix you. You can't fix him either. accept each other AS you are or you might as well hang it up.

13.) Be a person of character, people will NOT forget the things you are doing now and the choices you are making. People are less forgiving as you get older. Trust and faith is hard to get back once you lose it ( believe me)

14.) FLOSS! FLOSS your ASS off *L*

15.) You cant expect people to forgive you for things you can't forgive yourself for. DO IT and move along!

16.) Suffer the consequences of your actions (SHEW! I MAY BE DOING THIS FOR A LONG TIME) don't whine about it or expect immediate gratification simply because you are sorry. You reap what you sew.

17.) Don't ever be one of those stupid people (which I have been) that think or even SAY "What I do with my life or body doesn't effect anyone but myself". That's a selfish way of thinking and you are selling people in your life short, where their love for you is concerned. OF COURSE it effects everyone that loves you.

18.) Say I love you.

19.) Be patient.

20.) PRAY.

21.) Dont try to hide the stupid shit you've done. Yeah it's probably embarrasing and you hate it but dont go stuffing all that inside. Wear that shit like like a badge *L* Thats one less life lesson you have to learn.

22.) Try really HARD to control your negative thoughts, I truly believe you can will bad things to happen sometimes.

23.) Don't lose yourself inside of other people. Figure out what makes you tick.

24.) You can NOT raise the dead.

25.) Accept that there are some things you may NEVER have the answers to. Don't spend 10 years spiraling out of control cause of something you can't make sense out of..cause that doesn't make much sense either.

26.) God says no a lot. Get over it. Ask for something different.

27.) DON'T waste your tears. They are precious and cleansing, and the purest expression of your heart. Don't waste them on people who don't deserve them.

I guess the last thing I'd tell myself is "You are going to be O.K."

So.. this really isn't GREAT news, but its news. My friend I was trying to find was semi discovered. *L* I actually just googled an old email of his and it turned up on a spurs message board. I noticed there hasn't been any activity on his page in MONTHS..however I noticed someone on his friends list that seemed to correspond with him a good bit, so... I wrote him. He FINALLY replied and said he hasn't been online in forever..which isn't that odd..he's not really a computer person. (not into myspace or any of that stuff)...but anyway- He said he was trying to score some Spurs tickets which tells me 2 things-

1.) He's around. (to some degree)
2.) He's probably still in San Antonio if he's trying to score spurs tickets.

SO... I registered to the spurs forum and sent him a message. Now- I just wait.

I know if someone doesn't want to be found they wont, but there's a flip side to that- and I'm easy to find. Besides I pretty much told him to stay out of my life so I doubt he's pining over it. I just have to hope I'll cross his mind or he'll meander back to that board... What else can you do?

He has family in New Orleans, or did. I'm not sure since Katrina. He would always call when he was in town etc. *sigh* So I wait. Maybe that's good though. I guess some things are all in perfect timing and maybe it's not time yet. Hell maybe it won't ever be.

*fingers crossed*

I ♥ Christmas :)

I am an awesome gift wrapper! YAY!

The Tree :) Before all the presents!

Green Apple and Silver this year!
My FIRST gingerbread house :)

The Christmas Pineapple!LOL

The Colourful Wreath:)

Mom in her cute Christmas Sweater:)

The Toy Soldier. I love him!

Christmas Contada

It was wonderful!

We went to the Christmas Contada at the Methodist Church. My parents are members there but it was my first time to visit. They had several LSU music students, and choir members, and also several members of the Baton Rouge Symphony there. It was incredible. It was a lovely evening. I got to sit with my grandparents, who are so precious. My Paw Paw sang and sang! It was so cute! I wish I had brought my camera. It really was spectacular!

The End.

"I was floating all alone in a peaceful sea.. only to be rescued by a sinking ship"

i made a turkey :] yay.

i took the coolest pic of my eyes=)

my cute parents =)

oooooooohhhhh what can i do with it??

Ok..Im playing with my clorox bleach pen..I was drawing stuff on an old pair of jeans and watching Ellen. BUT it actually looks really cool... No worries..Im not gonna wear the jeans.. LOL BUT the idea is cool if I could apply it to something else. I could draw on any kind of fabric..looks rusted kinda....oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh WHAT can I do????? WHAT CAN I DO?? gimme some ideas..helppppp.

cute koozies:)

This is a cute idea! A girl I used to work with in La. made some LSU koozies similar to this except she put the fuzzies on the top, problem with that was that they stuck to your drink and became all matted up =( boooooooo!

I'm gonna make some as little gifts for some of my female friends for Christmas, (maybe fill them with goodies) and they will be light and easy to mail. SO CUTE! ! I LOVE koozies. I like to keep my bottled water in them. I have a few cute ones, but these are SUPER cute! LOL I can see polka dots and pink fuzzies!!!! YAY!!!


These are from foofoozie.com =)

Bug Cakes!

I'm a cupcake fanatic. They are so much fun and sooooo cute :) AND not to mention yummah! haha These are precious!

My Friend, Mr. Chair!

No snow =(

None. Nada. (sad)

I'm making!!!

TURKEY CUPCAKES!!!!!!!! We are going to Stephen's grandparents in Nashville for Thanksgiving and I think I'm gonna make these =) How CUTE!!!!!! Anyone have any other cute ideas???

GEAUX TIGERS!!!!!!!

I want to add an LSU soreboard to my blog that I can change. Gonna figure it out tomorrow. Weeeee

=)

A chance of snow Thursday!

YAY!!!!!!! I hope it does!!



I can't wait to take Cowboy out and let him play in the snow. I'll have to get some good video of it!

I LOVE the way everything smells and sounds when it's snowing. The sound is so muffled that you can hear every little creak from the trees. Everything in the distance is drown out- almost like a humming sound. It's so peaceful..

all i want for christmas!!!!

nooooooooooooooooooooo.......not YOU. this-

Brrrrrrrrrr

It's getting cold! YAY! Super Awesome cold. weeeeeee!! Can't wait to make my first mini-snowman of the year and stick him in the freezer =)

8-)

Be an Angel.

Pray for James :)

This is James, he is such a cool kid. I send him pictures and funny stuff all the time. He's a sweetheart and LOVES Star Wars!!

James has Acute lymphoblastic leukaemia (ALL) which is a form of cancer that affects the lymphocyte-producing cells in the bone marrow. Lymphocytes are white blood cells that produce antibodies and are vital parts of the bodys immune system. If you have a myspace, you should add him! He loves getting pics and cards and funny stuff! It keeps his spirits up I'm sure. His goal is to make a million friends :)

You can add him here!

How cute are these!

Chirping Chicks and Lovable Lambs Cupcakes


*1 box (18.25 oz.) devil's-food cake mix
*1 cup buttermilk
*4 large eggs

Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 16 standard and 16 mini muffin pans with paper liners. Prepare cake mix according to directions, except substitute 1 cup of buttermilk for the water and increase the eggs to 4. Divide batter among muffin cups, and bake mini cupcakes for 15 to 20 minutes and standard cupcakes for 25 to 28 minutes. Recipe makes 8 chicks and 8 lambs.

To Decorate Chicks
*1 can (12 oz.) whipped vanilla frosting
*Yellow icing color
*1/4 cup yellow jimmies
*Orange and red gumdrops
*1 tube brown decorating icing

Tint frosting yellow. Ice 8 standard and 8 mini cupcakes. For wings, dip opposite sides of the larger cupcakes in jimmies. Roll edges of mini cupcakes in jimmies. For the chick faces, place the mini cupcakes on their sides on top of the larger cupcakes. Flatten the red gumdrops, and cut 2 crowns out of each gumdrop. Cut orange gumdrops into beaks. Attach crowns and beaks to mini cupcakes. Pipe eyes using brown icing.

To Decorate Lambs
*1 can (12 oz.) whipped vanilla frosting
*24 pieces chocolate taffy (such as Tootsie Roll Midgees)
*1 cup mini marshmallows
*1 tbsp. pink crystal sugar
*1 tube brown decorating icing

Ice 8 standard and 8 mini cupcakes with vanilla frosting. Cut 16 chocolate taffy pieces in half lengthwise. Shape into 2-inch-long logs. For noses, shape remaining taffies into rounded cone shapes. Cut marshmallows in half, using clean scissors. For ears, dip 16 marshmallow halves into pink sugar; set aside. For each mini cupcake head, place the cone-shaped taffy close to one edge, arrange ear pieces at opposite edge, and fill center with marshmallow pieces. Pipe eyes with brown icing. Place mini cupcakes on their sides on top of larger cupcakes. For legs, add 4 pieces of cut taffy to each lamb. Fill in top of large cupcake with remaining cut marshmallows.

YAY!!!!! CUPAKES!

YAY!! Jess!!! my superbad friend!!

Take a second to check out Jessie's page. She is so incredibly talented and such a good friend to me :) She always takes time out of her extremely busy and productive life to check on me and make me smile! She's always encouraging my creativity and is SUCH an amazing artist. Here's some of her work..

You can see MORE of her work here.

This makes me LIVID.

There's an artist from Costa Rica who is being allowed to STARVE animals for the purpose of "Art"??? I'm sick that ANYONE would let this go on.. Not to mention he has another "exhibition" that will be taking place in another gallery soon. Please take a second of your time to sign this petition. PLEASE.

I wont even show some of these pics , it's THAT horrible.

PLEASE sign the petition HERE.

:-) Keep Hope Forever!

How could you?

When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?"--but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub. My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together.

I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day. Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcome her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obey her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love." As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch-- because your touch was now so infrequent-- and I would've defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answer "yes" and change the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf. Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said " I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempts to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?" They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream…or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.

I heard footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounding in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The "prisoner of love" had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself -- a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was directed at you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life to continue you to show you so much loyalty.

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: If "How Could You?" brought tears to your eyes as you read it as it did to mine as I wrote it, it is because it is the composite story of the millions of formerly "owned" pets who die each year in American & Canadian animal shelters.

Anyone is welcome to distribute the essay for any non-commercial purpose, as long as it is properly attributed with the copyright notice. Please use it to help educate, on your websites, in newsletters, on animal shelter and vet office bulletin boards. Tell the public that the decision to add a pet to the family is an important one for life, that animals deserve our love and sensible care, that finding another appropriate home for an animal is your responsibility and any local humane society or animal welfare league can offer you good advice, and that all life is precious. Please do your part to stop killing, and encourage all spay and neuter campaigns in order to prevent unwanted animals

~~ Jim Willis

So cute :) This made me giggle!

Those eyes!!! I just wanna pinch her fat cheeks =)

AHHHH!!!! Note to Self :

No scary movies while Stephen's gone!! GAH! All these Halloween movies. I like em but they scare me.. I watch with one eye under the pillows. hehehe

yeah right! I'm a skeerdy cat!

Old Records

I think I'm gonna do something like this in Stephen's office with some old 45's. You can find old records at the thrift shop around here for like 25 cents. What a cool idea!

Thanks Jess!!!

Sweet Babs =)

I'm at an age now that I truly appreciate my mother and all that she is and has been to us. Sometimes I think about the fact that at my age, she already had 2 kids and was building her life around us. It's hard for me to imagine that. I was never really a momma's girl as a child.. or a daddy's girl. I was so strong willed and had such a mind of my own. Don't get me wrong I was spoiled rotten and totally dependant on her of course, but I wasn't old enough to appreciate what she was to me. I love her dearly and now at 30, I am SUCH a Momma's girl!! I miss her terribly since we moved and she is always in my heart and in my thoughts. LOVE your momma's!! They are so precious and love us in such a perfect way!!

A Mother's Love

This world has jewels, money, land
position, power, and mansions grand
But a mother's love more precious far,
than all these other treasures are.

A mother nurtures, guides, protects
Her teachings each child's life affects,
and when in later years they go,
away from home, and friends they know
Those teachings will provide the stay,
to keep them on the good straight way.

Though some may stray to taste the fruits,
of worldly pleasures -- still the roots
of Mother's teachings, love, and care
will some day draw them back to where,
the Savior's love can them enfold,
and fill them with a spirit bold.

So children, each and every day,
honor your mother in some way --
To show that you appreciate,
she taught you how to love, not hate.
To comfort you, to guide, to lead,
to be there in your time of need.

But best of all, -- to show the way,
that leads to home with God some day.

YAY! It's getting cold outside!

I usually hate this time of year. It's sooooo depressing. But this year feels different. I feel like it's "my time". I'm usually wallowing in the death of my father, and feeling sorry for myself by mid October- ha! But this year, I feel like I mentally have it together. A lot of that has to do with being in our new place and having so much to look forward to. I'm in a relationship with my BEST friend and we are both continuously getting "better". Stephen proposing to me before we moved in has made it seem "right". It changed the way we are both seeing one another and the way that we are living our lives.

I went to bible study with Moma C (Stephen's Mom) the other night and ironically it was called "Wading Through the Storm", it was about hanging in there..walking on water or getting the heck outta the boat! You have to know when to stick things out. When to bail and redirect.. That's such a HARD thing to do. I feel like I toughed out a lot of stuff out this past year, and I'm proud of myself for that!! I'm looking forward to Christmas!! I wanna go cut down my own tree and have the BEST Charlie Brown christmas EVER!!!!

♥ My Love!

wow he looks like a meanie here =)

My Jenn Cartoons =)

rawr.

I feel feisty.

I'm awesome. almost as awesome as cupcake.

yep. check out her blog. shes SUPER awesome.